The Man with the Golden Pun

This Saturday Ealing sent a few of its special agents to a new area: Camden. After plenty of running and a dirty job in the morning, a team of two found themselves in a coffee shop nearby West Hampstead overground station. The venue must remain confidential although its name strongly suggests that it was a place where you would go "between the missions". As the more senior crew member, Sevan reminded Kash that she might want to do something with her filthy forearms giving away their messy work earlier in the day. When they asked the staff for tissues, the barista recognised the GoodGym symbols and was full of respect. She gave the agents the tissues with sanitiser and two free giant almond croissants!

The pastries were powerful sugary drugs. Kash consumed hers on the way to the assignment - that made her a bit fidgety. The secret facility where the team was supposed to meet Miss C had a slightly noir vibe with cigarette smoke and the threat of tonsillitis hanging in the air. Sevan and Kash put the masks on to avoid compromising their identities.

Miss C's headquarters was about to be decommissioned, and its contents had to be either discarded or moved to other offices, hidden behind charity shops. Sevan and Kash were specifically selected for the task because of their beliefs or the lack of them. Unlike Miss C, they were not animists and were ready to deal ruthlessly with inanimate objects without worrying about their souls.

Kash was sent to destroy the secret lab in the bathroom. She disposed of the chemicals in the sink and the toilet, making sure the whole place won't blow up, then packed away the empty bottles. In the process, she found a Polish book, makeup equipment and hair dye. Miss C explained they belonged to her fellow agent who was to move into the place once all the compromising evidence was dealt with.

Meanwhile, Sevan was ploughing through a wardrobe full of old spy outfits, letting Miss C decide which clothes should end up in the charity shop and which in the bin (or a textile recycling hub). Another secret wardrobe was obscured by a defunct fridge whose contents remain unidentified. That wardrobe was hiding much more than flashy bathrobes and Christmas socks. It was full of Miss C's dad's belongings, from shirts to boxes loaded with files. Kash found plenty of university papers and outdated Italian books about politics. When queried about whether her dad spoke Italian, Miss C seemed a bit surprised. She knew that he was proficient in German, enough to complete his translation of Mein Kampf.

A keen interest in the political scene during World War II was not the only secret of Mr C. Inside the cardboard boxes, Sevan and Kash discovered stacks of neatly filed highly confidential documents dating back to 70 years ago. We are not allowed to disclose any further details about who was Mr C's employer back in early 50s but the papers with "top secret" stamps looked pretty impressive. Miss C was ready to let them go but gave the idea a second thought. Worried that the papers may fall into the wrong hands she decided to keep them for an expert to review.

After 90 minutes of work, Miss C walked outside the building with Sevan and Kash to show them where to throw away the bags with items to decommission. Sevan inhaled his almond croissant and, concealed by darkness and rain, ran with Kash to their bases in Ealing. As they set off, a flash of light and a loud explosion tore the sky behind them. They knew Miss C's building must have blown up shortly after Miss C and the disposal team departed.

Or maybe those were just Bonfire Night fireworks.